| Jan. 15th, 2008 @ 05:09 am These Thoughts Inside My Head... |
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Current Location: Work
I'm feeling..:  contemplative
Current Beat of the Moment: Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends
If you wanted to know alot more about me, then here you go. Otherwise, you may not like this REALLY long ass post. Although, I'm hoping anyone that reads this will have something to say, either positive or negative. You have been warned.
I haven't written a journal for I think well over a better part of the year, and I can't get to Myspace's blog entries from work, so I thought I would write down my thoughts here in LJ land. I have been reading other people's journals though, and I do like reading what other people post about which brings me to do this. This one is pretty personal though - or so I'm lead to believe.
So, I've just finished watching pretty much the entirety of an old TV show, Arrested Development, and I freakin' love it. Is by far the funniest TV show I've seen in a long time. It passed about a day and a half of work, since I can't do whatever I want while no one is here. I got threatened by another co-worker today for having "too much fun at work", so I can't get away with much, but this bitch is just out to get me, or anyone that crosses her. Aside from her, I like the other people I work with, and the job itself. It's alot better than being in the military. I had to put up with alot of bullshit. But, I do enjoy the dog tags!! Thanks, US Air force!
Apart from that, i've been working a new schedule (10:30 PM - 7:30 AM CST), and spending alot of time with my son, all of which is pretty good. We went to a Monster Truck show this Sunday, and got to spend some quality time with him alone for a change since Christmas, and I really enjoyed it. I've wanted to spend alot of time with my local frinds too, but with my new work schedule and my financial situation, it's becoming alot harder to do so. It costs me about $60 a tank for gas, plus my bills that I get, so it's very hard to go out even just for a little while. For anyone that I may have been putting off, I apologize, but please have sympathy for my situation.
I've had alot of random ass dreams lately, and I don't know why. I can barely remember half of what I dream about when I wake up, so I guess that doesn't help. I'm growing up slowly and surely, and I don't know if I really want to. Playing video games isn't almost having the same effect it used to. There's still alot of things I want to do, but I still have a very young and careless mindset. Granted, I want a successful future, but I'm almost too lazy to care or work for it. I just want an easy life, it's the work thing that bothers me. I don't even really know what I'm thinking about right now, it's just kinda coming out on the keyboard. I don't mind working, as long as I'm enjoying it. I also still have alot of ambition in life, it's just getting there with the money I don't have that's the problem.
I still want to go to Anime Central this year in Chicago, but it seems that I may be having a problem finacially that's going to get in the way with that. I want to see some people I haven't seen in awhile, and just have some careless fun. I have a wedding to go to in April (which I'm really excited about), a car to fix among other things in my life that are broken. And I've also self-realized that as well - my life is pretty much centered around physical objects that should mean absolutly nothing and people I want to be around that I can't all the time. It's quite amazing how trivial and self-centered I've become, but I can't get over it. If I can't take care of myself, how the hell am I going to take care of someone else?
Which kind of brings me to the topic of women. I haven't had a "true" relationship in over a year now, and even that one didn't last that long. Granted, I don't mind being single, but I would like some sort of relationship, but it just can't be with anybody. I want a specific type of person, one of which I don't think I can get. Now, before anyone starts saying, "your standards are too high", or "you have low self-esteem", you can stop yourselves right there. I've already had standars WAY below par, and believe me, I'm not going back there - and I do have a great self-esteem right now, so that's not the problem. It's women these days. Either too boring, can't carry on a conversation, already taken, among a list of other problems that the more recent people I've been seeing have. Now, this doesn't go for ALL women. So anyone out here don't go all judgmental on me, because I'm not referring to you. Besides, I don't think I've ever dated anyone out here reading this. Granted, I'm sure there are a few people I would want to. It's just, I want a type of girl I can just get along with, without all the fucking games and strings. I've been telling myself this for years, but I attract fucking weirdos, or people who are EXTREMLY dramatic. I guess I'm just looking for someone, normal. Maybe I'm just asking too much. I don't really know. I guess I can't really ask for an answer to that either. Even if I were to ask you all to post your preferences of a relationship that you would want, I'm sure your thoughts are alot different from mine. Maybe I just want someone who can put up with me. I don't know. Maybe it's me who's the obnoxious one. Maybe I am starting to doubt myself a little. I was pretty confident a while ago - I'm pretty sure I'm still up there though.
Wow, that was pretty long. I guess (I like to guess alot about myself, because I don't think I even know myself) I just like to talk about girls alot. Like I said, I don't think I need a g/f, maybe just someone I can relate with. Someone who shares the same interests as me, someone who can be supportive, but also independant. And I guess I'm vain, but someone who's attractive. As much as people say crap about inner beauty, the outside is important too. But I'm pretty sure that goes both ways. Maybe that's my flaw. Or maybe it's the sex. But, I'm almost afraid of that, due to the fact that I've already got a child, do I need another? Also, my son does have some problems, so do I have cursed blood? I just don't know. I love my son, I just wish I didn't bring a troubled soul into this world. He's going to have a hard life ahead of him. I guess this turned into my downfalls all of a sudden. See how my mind can get off-track? This is how my thought-process goes.
There's alot of people that I've been with, and I want to say that I've taken something from every relationship/encounter, but there's isn't much I've learned. I make alot of the same mistakes over and over again, but - there's still something I'm looking for that I just haven't found yet. Or so I believe. There's some people out there that I think would be a good match, but fall under the "too far away", "way too hot to handle", or "taken" categories. I'm not revealing any names, so don't bother asking. I'm just writing down what comes up in my head. Although, something I HAVE learned - it's a bad idea to go after an ex-gf of one of your friends. There's a reason she was dumped, and it should stay that way.
I'm starting to look back on these relationships now, or the ones that I've wanted. I guess the last topic just kind of lead there, but I've had alot of good times. Some ended in tragedy, others I couldn't care less about. Although, for some reason (and I shouldn't be), I am stuck in the past. I can't move on for some reason - and I don't know why. Form what I can guess about myself, I'm just waiting for the right thing to come along and make me forget everything with just how awesome she is. Someone to devote my attention to.
Another thing I wish I could change, is to be able to stop myself from making stupid decisions. I do it ALL the time, and it's almost like impulse to do something stupid. Whether it's seeing the wrong person, or something stupid coming out of my mouth, I just can't prevent it from happening. That bothers me alot.
Also, I've been trying to stop smoking for awhile, but I almost don't want to. People don't like that, and I know that. But - it's for a few reasons that I do. For one, I smoke when I get bored, which is alot. Now, what if I just fill that spot with something productive, you say? Well - if I didn't like doing physical things, then I would agree with you. get up and do something. But, alot of that costs money. That I don't have, might I add. Another reason I smoke - I seem to have some sort of death wish. It's not that I want to die, I'm just not afraid of dying. I've had a good life so far, it hasn't been miserable. I'm not going to kill myself, so don't go that route with this. I'm not depressed. I'm just tired of things, that's all. Politics with life and all. I just want to live my life as I see fit, not other people. A reason I like smoking, it gives me time to think, and gets the brain moving. One of the reason I hate smoking, is due to other people bothering me when I do. They like to talk about stupid shit, like the war, or other stupid crap I don't want to hear about. This is "me" time, don't interrupt it with your stupid ramblings trying to have "civil talk". *grumble*
On a lighter note, this New Year is doing pretty well for me, so I'm not complaining. It's just stagnant. New Years brings change, I've just yet to see it. Usually when things change, it's NOT for the better, due to something breaking or changing dramatically. I would like things to variate from time to time, just not major changes. And for my car to work properly, that's #1. God, I love that car.
Well, for anyone who's ACTUALLY read this all the way through, congratulations. Not alot of people actually manage to get past the first few lines to actually give a crap on this thing anymore, let alone make it to the end of one of my long-winded "thought-process" posts. If you would like to comment about anything you've read in here, please go ahead. I won't criticize you for it, but I am judgemental if you couldn't already tell.
Well (God, do I start EVERY sentence this way?), I've kind of run out of things to say, but if I think of more, you can get ready for another post. Cause not alot of people go back and read edited posts. I think I'm going to copy-pasta this onto Myspace when I get home from work (in about an hour) so more people can get into my head.
Also, if any of you out there have some pictures of me, please let me know because I don't have any. This isn't me being vain, I just need some more pictures of me on Myspace. I've just realized I have no pictures to put up there. Any help?
I just realized that this MAY need to be cut, so if anyone wants to teach me how again (LJ users), let me know. |
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